The Grim Reaper

I really hope death doesn’t come with this whole grim reaper thing like it’s really scary. My anxiety tends to start with me thinking about dying. I first start thinking about my heart beating which makes me think it’s not beating on rhythm and I start to panic which leads me to think I can’t swallow because my throat is closing up and I really fear not being ale to breath it’s this whole thing I go through and I wish I could stop it because it’s really pointless when it is my time it will be just that my time. I swear being in my 50’s has really had me thinking life is so short like it really is and even though you never know when God will call you home you do know that you will be called. It is the only thing that is certain in this life and that scares me too. My grandmother is 104 and she has no fear of dying at all. I have never heard her once complain about an ache or pain and when we discuss my fear she always says “If you know where you are going there in nothing to fear”. Maybe that’s my problem and I need to get right with God on a even more personal level so I know where I am going.

My first close experience with death was my Freshman year in high school. This guy would visit for the summer and for the last 2 summers he was my summer boyfriend lol funny when I think about that but it’s the truth. When Tyson would arrive that Saturday after school let out for the summer he became MY boyfriend it was a unsaid rule lol anyway the that summer he wasn’t going back until the weekend after we went back to school. His school was starting later than ours that year. My girl Nia called me and said “You listening the radio?” “YESSSSSSSSSSS they said my name OMGOSH GIRL”. It was the first day of school shout outs on the radio and Tyson had dedicated Two Occasion to me. I called his aunts house praying she had left out for work no answer DANG. Nia was at the door to walk with me to school so there was no time to call back. I was feeling so good when I walked into the gates as a freshman of Eagle high school. People kept coming up to me saying “That song was for you on the radio this morning uh?” “Who is Tyson?” or “I didn’t know you went with Tyson from Glen Willow!” I was on cloud 9 thinking back I sure wish we had cellphones back then s&@t even a pager would have been nice but I would have to wait to see Tyson until after school let out.

When the last bell rang I was at the gate waiting on Nia so we could walk home together. I kept hearing talk of a car crash and how it was gang related then I heard some bangers got shot up around the Fox Hill mall it was so much going on. Nia said she heard it was some kids who ditched school that got killed in a drive by. When I got home my brother told me he saw on the news that Tyson and 2 other people were killed in a car accident some rival gang members had a shootout at the mall. Tyson was in the car that sped away the other guys chased them all the way from fox hill mall and the girl Wendy who was driving lost control of the car and ran into a tractor trailer all 3 of them died at the scene. My brother was talking to me as the news story played in the back ground. Nia rushed back to my house and we cried together we knew Wendy too. Tysons body was shipped by to Mississippi where he was from. I never got to tell him I heard his dedication on the radio. I never got to say goodbye I was devastated. Since I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend my mother had no idea I even knew Tyson so she thought I was going through this state of sadness because I went to school with Wendy. True I was sad about her too I mean she was my age and we used to be friends in elementary school but it was all Tyson my tears were all for him.

Nia and I attended Wendy’s funeral it was a double funeral I didn’t know she had a brother it was his funeral too. I remember the loud scream that came from their mothers mouth when the casket was closed I will never forget it. Nia’s mom took us and picked us up she was the one who told us what to wear and what to expect from the funeral. She patted our backs and held us as we cried I always loved Nia’s mother. My mom didn’t even ask me anything about the services which was cool because I wanted to push it to the back of my mind as far back as it would go. When ever I hear Two Occasions I think of Tyson

Two Occasions by The Deele

A summer love is beautiful
But it’s not enough
To satisfy emotions
That are shared between us A winter love is cozy
But I need so much more
It just intensifies my wants
To have a love that endures’Cause every time I close my eyes
I think of you
And no matter what the season nears
I still love you
With all my heart
And I want to be with you
Wherever you are I only think of you on two occasions
That’s day and night
I’d go for broke if I could be with you
Only you can make it right An autumn love is special
At this time of the year
But when the leaves are gone
Does that love disappear I never underestimate the new love of spring
But I’m glad to say in my heart
I know my love’s lasting’Cause every time I close my eyes
I think of you
And no matter what the season nears
I…

Friends

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This topic is one that took me a while to understand what it really means not just to me but to others as well. What is a friend? No really I’m asking because just when I think I know what a friend is I find out what a friend is NOT like for example a friend is not jealous of you or your accomplishments, a friend is not afraid to tell you the truth because they are telling you this out of love, a friend is not going to just take take take they will give as well. They won’t talk about you behind your back. A friend loves you unconditionally and not for what you can do for them.

So I ask myself am I a good friend? I try to be but I know I could do better at somethings in my friendships like like wait I am sure. There are somethings I could do better in my friendships but as I type this I really can’t think of anything. I will have to ask the girls (Tav, Kerri and Robyn) this question over tequila shots one night.

Best Friends can people have just one? I love my girls honest I do and I consider all of them my best friends but if I had to like really chose it would be Tavia I mean her and I have been through the most together even though I have known Robyn longer. I mean Tavia and I share secrets that we will never spill. I can talk with her about anything and feel no judgement. She pulls my card when I’m wrong and I feel the love not any shade. So yeah I would say Tavia

Can your spouse be your best friend or better yet should they be? Travis is not mine because I can’t tell him everything he blows up. It’s like I have to pick and chose what I can tell him and with a best friend you can tell them everything and talk about anything as well.

Can your children be your best friend? I am close with my children. Kimberly and I are very close I had her at a young age and it was just her and I for years before the twins we She was 14 when they were born so yeah it was her and I for a while. We talk about a lot of things but even she doesn’t know everything. So again Tavia wins that title lol.

In She Walks Out Walks Trust

Travis out did himself with the whole proposal thing. I love hockey and ice skating … this fool rented out the ice hockey rink for my family and my close girlfriends Tavia, Kerri and Robyn. I was so surprised they kept everything quiet like nobody slipped up and told me anything. I was asking 50 thousand questions

  1. Why wasn’t anybody there?
  2. Where was the hockey team?
  3. Was this legal?
  4. What were we even doing here?

With every question I asked it seemed that Travis was laughing harder. “Just go with it and trust me”. And I did I trusted Travis and that night was one of the best nights of my life. After stepping on the ice I glide around the rink like a professional skater while Travis stands in the middle of the ice watching me skate towards him, he drops down to one knee I’m thinking his laces might have come undone. but as I get near to him I see he is holding a ring box . There is no long speech just ” Lynda, You have made me a different man and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you will you marry me?”. …. “YES YES YES”. the lights turn on and there I am on the jumbo tron and the rink is filled with applause and yells from all our family and friends. It was a night to remember.

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It had been 2 weeks and I was still walking around in a daze, showing off my custom made 10 carat diamond engagement ring, retelling the story of the proposal over and over without missing a detail I was on what people call cloud 9.

I had to take care of some business in Florida and Travis want to go with me. Now I only fly first class and Travis well he flies PJ and it would be my first private jet flight I wasn’t to thrilled about it all I could think about was Aaliyah and that dude from La Bamba oh and Patsy Cline. I said a prayer and stepped inside it was much bigger than I imagined and once comfortable and my favorite wine was poured I was in relax mode. We were going to be there for a week Travis said we would stay in the penthouse at the Harper of course. From the time we walked in we got the royal treatment I mean he was the CFO I mean his father owns the Harper chain so yeah Travis brushed of the fanfare and wanted to be treated like the regular guest to a limit LOL

It was our fourth day there I had just ordered our breakfast and Travis just cut on the water for a shower when I hear a ding go off on his phone followed by more dings like every six seconds no really every six seconds I counted. I walk over to the night stand where his phone is on the charger just in time as it goes off and I read a text from Angela that reads “Where are you? Why haven’t….”I cant’ see the rest unless I have the password.

We make it through breakfast without me mentioning what I saw. Travis drops me at work and all I can think about is Angela who is she and what does she want with my man. I shut the door to my office and call the girls on conference call “Sup witcha?” says Robyn as she picks up “I got Tavia and Kerri on the phone too”. After we greet each other I tell them about Angela “Turn his phone off and when he cuts it on make sure you are there to watch him put his password in.”

“Dayum Kerri you done that s&#t before you was too quick with that response.” Tavia says “Yeah girl how you think I know when Michael ain’t doing right he didn’t just give me his password.” Kerri replies “Okay bet then that is what I’m a do.” I say “Ummmm!” Robyn is clearing her throat “How about you just ASK HIM!?” Kerri, Tavia and I sit in silence for a few seconds and then Tavia says “Oh HEEEELLLLLL Nah you know that ni@@a gonna lie.” lololololol that dayum Robin.

Dinner was nice while Travis was pouring our drinks I went to the room to turn his phone off. I walk back into the room just as Travis was turning on some music I take my glass of champagne from his out stretched hand, take a sip and sit down. “Oh no Lyn come dance with me”. We dance to a few songs and then head to bed to make love. I’m coming back to the bed with the warm washcloth when Travis says “I been looking at wedding venues have you”. ” I really haven’t had the time just yet but we have plenty of time.” I say “Well look.” Travis reaches over to get his phone after I wipe him off ” That’s funny my phone is off”. “I wonder if something is wrong with the sockets?” I grab my phone “Nope mine is good.” 47365 I repeat that number over and over until it is etched into my brains (when you first turn on you Iphone you have to put the code in manually before using your fingerprint to enter your device)

The next morning while Travis is in the shower I use his password and get into his phone (I know DON’T GO SNOOPING YOU MIGHT JUST FIND WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR ETC ETC I know) I go straight to her text messages and scroll back a few times man the messages I read I must have been in shock because I was still holding Travis’s phone when he came out the bathroom I was just standing there with tears running down my face “Lynda what’s wrong with you!!? WAIT WHY DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE??!!!!!!!”. I dropped his phone, hopped on the bed, ran in the bathroom and locked the door. Travis is at the door screaming that he couldn’t believe I would go through his phone , calling me crazy, saying he was hurt that I didn’t trust him like HELLO Sir I just read you messages between you and this whom you are in a relationship with , giving her money, spending time with her. I say nothing and nor do I open the door. Finally I hear Travis exit the penthouse I pull myself together call for a car and head to the office. Travis has been calling like crazy he even sent me flowers. I still am not responding to him I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything. I call for a car after I leave the office. When I walk into the penthouse there are flowers all over the place, Anita Baker playing softly and the smell of seafood coming from the kitchen. Travis hand me a glass of wine and says lets talk.

“Who is Angela?” Travis goes on to tell me that Angela and him dated 3 years before he met me, They dated for a year she called him one day because she used him as a reference and she was wondering if he could help her get a job. Now I was sitting there trying not to kirk because I had scrolled back a few months and those messages said nothing about a job. I’m telling yah this man was flirting with her talking to her as if they were in a relationship. Travis must have thought I just looked at the message from that day smh. Travis had just lied to me of course I couldn’t see the messages he deleted them and told me he wouldn’t be dealing with her anymore. I didn’t believe him not for one second this man had just lied to me and the trust we had was broken. I mean Angela just walked into our life and trust walked out.

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Be Successful S.U.CC.E.SS FUL

I have a fear of success it seems crazy but it is true. I started writing a great book a novel and I know it will be an amazing book like the story line is just really good and I started off writing it as just a gift for Kimberly, It was going to be just one book published and given to her on her 18th Birthday. The fact that I’m not that good in English the whole punctuation and writing rules never had me thinking I would be able to sale a book.

As I let Tavia and my brother Jacquees read it they hyped it and me up into making this a real novel and swore it would be on the top 10 best sellers list. I was amped but then came the part where they were pressing me to finish it and I started doubting myself like what if I couldn’t finish the rest or what if the rest of it wasn’t as good as the first part or what if I send it to an editor and someone steals my idea or the whole book. I swear those excuses were because I was scared just honestly scared of the part that goes WHAT IF THEY ARE RIGHT AND THIS BOOK REALLY DOES TAKE OFF. Why that scares me ? I have no idea. I believe in myself and my talent and like I said before I am not that great of a writer but I am an amazing story teller and I believe this novel is going to be a big deal.

I heard someone say before that some people fear success and the way they were saying it had me thinking this was my issue. How do I over come it? I used to ask myself that all the time but now I am no longer asking myself about it I am going to do it. I will have this book completed. I will worry about the editing part later I just need to finish the book first. Yeah first things first JUST FINISH IT .

Dog Drama

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I wanted a little cute teacup yorkie. Travis was not a big fan of animals period he didn’t grow up like most of us he had a few horses but he never had to tend to them just rode them. About 3 years into our relationship I brought up the fact of getting a dog. Travis let it be known out the gate that he would not walk a tiny dog and it would be my full responsibility so I agreed to getting a bigger dog. One day I came home to two puppies they were the cutest huskies both boys one all White one and a Black one mixed with White they both have the bluest eyes like iced blue. I fell in love with Turner and Hooch right a way (yes, named after the movie). Since we didn’t have kids at the time they were our children. Thing is Travis was treating them as if they were children let me run some of those times down for you.

  1. We had to cancel a planned day trip (6 hrs max) because he didn’t want too leave them at home alone. I had told him the place said no pets allowed before we booked it guess he planned on bringing them anyway until I reminded him and he pitched a big fit yelling, spitting out cuss words smh. He lost $275 from missing that day trip but oh well
  2. The puppies had to go to day care 5 days a week and then when we traveled we had to board them at a doggie resort
  3. I could not crate them so they had to be trained with a trainer one hour a day. Thing with that was Travis was never home when the trainer came and it was me learning all the techniques.
  4. Travis never disciplined them it was left up to me

I started getting sick of taking care of the puppies, picking up their s&#t , picking them up from day care and meeting that damn trainer. I guess this was when I pushed all thoughts of us having a baby together out of my mind. Just look at how much I would be handling on my own while Travis was “working”. Having the puppies were the best thing for us having a baby would not be. So imagine how shocked I was a year or so later when I held a pregnancy test up to Kerri showing 2 pink lines.

When God Says No

I asked Kerri one day how she felt about her and Michael not having children together and she replied “When God says no have faith in his no sometimes that no is a blessing.” After thinking about it I guess it was best they didn’t have any children together Michael had a son from a previous marriage and he saw him often and would always bring up how he wished they had a child.

Kerri told me

The first time I was punched by Michael I knew bringing a child into this marriage would be the wrong thing to do. The first time Michael called me out my name I knew bringing a child into this marriage wouldn’t be wise. The first time Michael took everything away from me that he brought for me from my clothes, the purse I was carrying and the keys to the car he brought me and told me to get out of his house I knew having a baby by this man would be dangerous. Michael had a problem directing his anger to everyone but me. I look at kids and I dream about how things would be and then something triggers the monster in him and I thank God for the babies he called home before they had a chance to breath this air. I had cat once that he beat so bad for putting a scratch on the wall he kept yelling at me to get my cat out of his house now like NOW RIGHT NOW. I mean I didn’t even want the cat he brought me the cat yeah I let the cat out back and she hopped the fence and never came back she was smart. Yeah a baby wouldn’t be a wise decision.

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We used to beg Kerry to leave and ask her why she stayed until we just told her that we would be here to help with her escape plan. We had her back and she knew she could always come to us and we would open the door and let her in to spend a few nights . Kerri never had to feel like she had no where to go again.

Michael got better as far as the physical abuse I think after he became a bounty hunter (chasing and beating guys up when it called for it ) helped him to direct his anger that was 16 years ago but the verbal abuse still goes on.

A Past Life

Who’s you might ask MINE. I believe in the after life and no one in my family knows this. Well Travis knows he claims he believes too and even put himself in my past life claimed he was my body guard. Let me start over.

I have always believed I was a big time singer back in the 40’s yes the 1940’s-50’s and I died from a drug over dose. I was super hot and all the men wanted to marry me and the women wanted to be like me. I was married twice and had a lover on the side who tried to get me away from the drugs but I think the fact he would never wed me is what drove me to use in the first place. I had no children and that’s sorta all I know or believe. I also think that when you die if you lived a terrible life like the stuff that would send you to hell type stuff you don’t get to rest in your wonderful heaven but get sent back down here (hell) for another chance. And being I was a drug addict who manipulated men and women I got sent back to try it again.

The reasons I believe this are silly when I say them out loud but here they go.

  1. I love music and to sing (but I can’t )
  2. I have always been a big flirt
  3. Men and women have always been drawn to me
  4. I have always been the one that when I did something my friends did too, If I wore something, ate something , said silly catchphrases they always seemed to copy me but would never admit it
  5. I hate needles even tourniquets during blood draws.
  6. I hate drugs and I never used them I am so afraid of being addicted
  7. I am always searching for stardom

So yeah they sound silly but they are all true. I was telling Travis about this one night while we were on the phone and the next morning he called and told me in his dream it was revealed that he was my bodyguard who was secretly in love with me and was to be watching over me the night I over dosed. He promised to always take care of me I mean hey why couldn’t it be the truth I mean I believe in it so why couldn’t he. It was kind of romantic the whole he loved me in a past life and we meet again in this one.

Does anyone else believe in the after life?

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